bealarsen.com - Bea V. Larsen…Commentaries | Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio

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Bea V. Larsen…Commentaries | Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio
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How many of us deal with conflict by avoiding it? To protect the delicate balance of a valued relationship, we may forgo the challenge and hope that by morning all will be well. Many times avoidance worked for me, and soon harmony became the new reality. Pretending can make it so, especially if there is other glue to hold things together, perhaps a caress, or the distraction of a child’s laughter or tears.
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To some extent, we all play this game. Until the rules of the game change.
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When apart, divorcing partners often both sing the very same tune about how they managed past disputes
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With complete sincerity, each sees themselves as the one who regularly gave in. But now, when the ties that bound them to seek accommodation are broken, the greater need is for authenticity, autonomy and respect for their new role, no longer a partner but standing alone.
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Picture this scene: a mediation session in which a mother and father of a young girl are in conflict over how they will share her time when living in separate homes. In the interest of what the mother deems “stability,” she wants the child in her home most of the time. Father is equally determined to have his daughter with him at least half the time. This is a classic stalemate.
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I will shift the discussion away from the immediate issue at hand and ask: Are there other concerns you can identify?
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There are many. Some examples:
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Mother
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Actually, in some ways the longer the list of grievances, the better. Grist for the negotiation mill.
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What options can I offer to him/her to get him/her to accept my proposal?
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With luck, they will return with many answers. Perhaps in anger they will be stated as demands, but as small agreements fall into place, and they begin to trust that compromise is possible, demands may be presented as requests.
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The Unobserved Life
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio
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Empathy Redefined

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192.185.186.220
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